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• Chuck Norris In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
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• Chuck Norris If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you. 1.19.2018
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• Chuck Norris The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
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• Chuck Norris The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
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• Chuck Norris It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
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• Chuck Norris When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
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• Chuck Norris Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
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• Chuck Norris Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
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• Chuck Norris If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
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• Chuck Norris When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
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• Chuck Norris When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
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• Chuck Norris Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
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• Chuck Norris Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the down.
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• Chuck Norris If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
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• Chuck Norris Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
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• Chuck Norris When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
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• Chuck Norris Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
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• Chuck Norris Tom Brady can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Tom Brady even further.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
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• Chuck Norris In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes. 2018.08.10
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• Chuck Norris It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
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• Chuck Norris Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
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• Chuck Norris Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. Sales pros
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• Chuck Norris Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
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• Chuck Norris If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
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• Chuck Norris When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"
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• Chuck Norris It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
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• Chuck Norris God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
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• Chuck Norris Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris
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• Chuck Norris In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
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• Chuck Norris Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
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• Chuck Norris Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better do what Chuck Norris says.
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• Chuck Norris There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
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• Chuck Norris When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
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• Chuck Norris When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. frostbite gets chuck norris ...Chuck Norris bites frost.
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• Chuck Norris A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
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• Chuck Norris When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
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• Chuck Norris Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them. O5.06.2016 sales pros
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
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• Chuck Norris There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
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• Chuck Norris Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum. Sales pros
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
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• Chuck Norris The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
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• Chuck Norris The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
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• Chuck Norris When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
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• Chuck Norris The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
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• Chuck Norris Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
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• Chuck Norris Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
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• Chuck Norris Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
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• Chuck Norris Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
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• Chuck Norris After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can speak braille.
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• Chuck Norris Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
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• Chuck Norris MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
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• Chuck Norris According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
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• Chuck Norris China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
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• Chuck Norris The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
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• Chuck Norris When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
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• Chuck Norris There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
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• Chuck Norris If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
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• Chuck Norris Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
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• Chuck Norris Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
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• Chuck Norris Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
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• Chuck Norris The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris runs Windows 10 on his Etch-a-Sketch.
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• Chuck Norris When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
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• Chuck Norris Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
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• Chuck Norris They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
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• Chuck Norris In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris invented water.
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• Chuck Norris Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
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• Chuck Norris If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
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• Chuck Norris A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
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• Chuck Norris If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris
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• Chuck Norris The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
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